Relationship – Lakeland Counselors

https://lakelandcounselors.com Thu, 04 Feb 2021 22:06:31 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.9.13 https://lakelandcounselors.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/cropped-Logo-32x32.png Relationship – Lakeland Counselors https://lakelandcounselors.com 32 32 Don’t Forget the Older Adult https://lakelandcounselors.com/dont-forget-the-older-adult/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/dont-forget-the-older-adult/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:57:36 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=395

What age group has the highest suicide rate? You might be surprised to learn that men aged 85 and older have significantly higher suicide rates than any other age group. Older adults are more likely than other groups to report not having adequate social support. They are also more likely to report being dissatisfied with their lives. Unfortunately, psychiatric disorders are often misdiagnosed or overlooked. Many people believe that depression is normal for the aging adult, but it is not. Older adults often fail to report symptoms because they are ashamed, which is a direct result of the stigma that exists with mental illness. It is important to note that older adults are more likely to emphasize physical complaints, than they are to emphasize mental health symptoms.

If you are an older adult and think you may be depressed or anxious, or have any other psychiatric disorder, it’s not a normal part of aging. Let your doctor or a loved one know how you are feeling. If you are a loved one of an older adult, start a conversation about mental health. Ask how satisfied they are with life and if they feel they have the social support needed. If you are a healthcare provider, educate yourself on the aging adult and mental health. Know the signs and symptoms and ensure they have the resources needed to have a better quality of life.

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/dont-forget-the-older-adult/feed/ 0 Planning for Successful Aging: 7 Key Areas https://lakelandcounselors.com/planning-for-successful-aging-7-key-areas/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/planning-for-successful-aging-7-key-areas/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:54:41 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=392

If you are middle-aged, listen up! Most of us know that things we do today will impact us tomorrow. This is especially true during the middle years, where we have one final chance to prepare the body and mind for what it will experience in the later years of life.

Engaging in a healthy lifestyle now will help you in later life, while engaging in risky and unhealthy behaviors now will make aging more difficult. For instance, those who exercise regularly in midlife are more likely to have better brain functioning in later life, as well as a reduced risk of developing dementia.¹ Those who have high stress now are more likely to have a disability in older age.² If you do not learn healthy coping skills now, they will be more challenging to learn in older age. These are all concepts of successful aging. Just as you planned for a career, prepared for a game, or planned for financial security, it is also important to plan for successful aging.

The main areas that older adults find important are: 1) good health; 2) being able to function physically and mentally; 3) social engagement; 4) engaging in meaningful activity; 5) a sense of belonging; 6) being spiritually healthy; and 7) financial security.

Ask yourself if what you are doing today will ensure you are satisfied in these seven areas later. If so, great! Stay on track. If not, what changes can you make to plan for your own successful aging?

Here are a few tips that may help you set goals for a more successful transition into your next phase of life.

Foster positive relationships
Consider the harm tobacco, drugs, and excessive alcohol has on your body.
Rethink your diet.
Stay hydrated.
Do what you can to minimize stress.
Make saving money a priority, and review your retirement plan.
Exercise more.
Challenge your brain.
Focus on your spirituality.
Find activities or events that interest you.
Know your community resources.

These are just a few ways you can prepare to age successfully. Every person is different in how they age. There are no set behaviors or conditions that define older age. No one can predict exactly what you will experience as you age. These tips are very general and only intended as a guide, and should be modified based on your own experiences.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?–Satchel Paige

DeFina, L.F., Willis, B.L., Radford, N.B., Gao, A., Leonard, D., Haskell, W.L., & Berry, J.D. (2013). The association between midlife cardiorespiratory fitness levels and later-life dementia: A cohort study.Annals of Internal Medicine,158:162–168. doi: 10.7326/0003-4819-158-3-201302050-00005.
Kulmala, J.U., Von Bonsdorff, M.B., Stenholm, S., Tormakangas, T., Von Bonsdorff, M.E., Nygard, C., & Rantanen, T. (2013). Perceived stress symptoms in midlife predict disability in old age: A 28-year prospective cohort study. Journals of Gerontology: Medical Sciences, 68:984–991.

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/planning-for-successful-aging-7-key-areas/feed/ 0 Do You Know Your Love Language? https://lakelandcounselors.com/do-you-know-your-love-language/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/do-you-know-your-love-language/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:51:55 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=389

Has anyone heard of the 5 Love Languages described by Dr. Gary Chapman? Well, if you haven’t, here is a brief synopsis of the five ways to speak and understand emotional love. To begin, we learn how to give and receive love as a child. We tend to demonstrate what we learned about love when we get into relationships as an adult. Overtime, one or both in the relationship may feel less loved than they did in the beginning of the relationship. A common reason for this phenomenon is people speak different love languages (Chapman,1995). Love to one person may mean their partner puts down the phone and listens, while another may feel loved when their partner makes a thoughtful gesture by taking care of a chore. You need to know your love language and you need to know your partner’s love language. This short blog isn’t going to give you that, but it will touch on some key points.

Words of Affirmation: Hearing genuine words about the reasons your partner loves you may be all you need to know you are loved. Your partner may feel loved when you leave words of affirmation somewhere inconspicuous.

Quality Time: Being present and attentive when together are ways to show love. Put your phone down and ask about your partners day to let them know you are interested.

Receiving Gifts: Receiving a gift, big or small, can show your partner you are thinking of them, and if you get creative, they will know you put a lot of effort into the gift. They will see this small gesture as a representation of your love.

Acts of Service: Taking your partner’s car to the gas station to fill it up, without being asked, or volunteering to do the dishes can speak volumes about your love. You are acting selflessly and doing something you don’t want to do. Your partner knows that and will know that you are showing love through these simple acts.

Physical Touch: A sweet kiss on the forehead or sitting close on the couch will reassure your partner you are physically present and desire to be close to them.

Now that you have a general idea of the different love languages, think about how you express love and how your partner expresses love. Are you meeting your partner’s love needs? Is your partner meeting yours? If not, sit down and talk about it. Discuss with your partner what it is that makes you feel loved and listen to your partner. Start practicing these love languages.

Love is a choice you make every day. –Gary Chapman

Chapman, G. (1995). The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts. Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers.

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/do-you-know-your-love-language/feed/ 0 5 Fast Tips for the Empty Nester https://lakelandcounselors.com/5-fast-tips-for-the-empty-nester/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/5-fast-tips-for-the-empty-nester/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:49:49 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=386

Are you about to be an empty nester? If so, it may be a time of conflicting feelings. A lot of reflection is happening. You may be questioning your purpose since that has primarily revolved around being a parent for 18 years. You may find yourself worrying about how your new adult child will adjust to being independent. You may also have concerns about your marriage and how you will adjust as a couple without having children in the home. These are all common feelings and thoughts; however, it is important to not fall into the thinking that leads to empty nest syndrome. Below are five tips that will help you make it through the early stages of being an empty nester.

1. Remember your ultimate goal as a parent.

The goal of parenting is to raise an independent adult who is driven to be successful. While you may have moments of wishing things would stay the same, you know that without change there is no growth. Don’t waste time on living in the past. Celebrate your success as a parent. You met your goal!

2. Own your feelings!

It’s okay to miss your kids. You may feel sad and shed a few (or several) tears. You may feel lonely. Would you expect any less? You just gave your last 18 years to being a full-time parent. Talk to your spouse or friends about your feelings, instead of keeping them bottled up.

3. Don’t stress if they don’t call every day.

As a parent, you want to make sure your child is okay, regardless of their age. This will not suddenly stop now that they are adults. Just remember that you have raised independent children who are out exploring new things. Pat yourself on the back and know they will call.

4. Avoid mothering your husband.

After being a mother for 18 years, it may be natural for you to turn your motherly attention to your husband. You may notice you are becoming overly critical. Stop! Take this time to get to know one another again. Many couples have not nurtured their marriage while raising children. They realize this once the kids have left home. Now is the time to rekindle the spark and if it seems impossible, try marriage counseling.

5. Do something for yourself.

You have spent the last 18 years putting others first. Your time, money, effort, thoughts, sacrifices, and energy have all been centered on your child. Now it’s you time. Plan a trip with your long-time friends. Have a spa day. Start a new hobby. Whatever it is, do it for you!

Enjoy this new phase of life and congratulations on your parenting accomplishments!

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/5-fast-tips-for-the-empty-nester/feed/ 0 Grieving a Coworker https://lakelandcounselors.com/grieving-a-coworker/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/grieving-a-coworker/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:46:39 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=383

Many people will spend approximately 90,000 hours at work during their lifetime. That is a lot of hours spent with coworkers. We form relationships and friendships that sometimes stretch beyond the workplace. When a coworker dies, it can be difficult to accept. Recently, I lost a coworker. He was there the day before, happy and telling his usual funny stories, and that night he was gone. I really did not have a close relationship with him, so I found it surprising at how I was processing the news.

I think the first factor that caused such a strong reaction, was his age. He was a young, married father. I felt sad for what he would miss out on with his children, and for the loss his family would experience. Secondly, his loss was sudden. There was no time to prepare, or to say goodbye. I tell my coworkers bye every time I leave, so it seems unnatural not to be able to end our time with a goodbye. How we cope with loss depends on personal beliefs, experiences with loss, and other stressors we may be experiencing at the time of the loss.

If you find yourself struggling with accepting the loss of a coworker, it may benefit you to speak with a mental health professional. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with your coworkers, who are also experiencing the loss, can provide needed support. Utilize your Employee Assistance Program, which often offers counseling services to help with grief and loss. It may also help to join other coworkers in doing something kind for the family left behind. This could be to raise money, take food to the home, send flowers or cards, walk the dogs, invite the children to a playdate, help with yardwork, or anything the team can do together to honor their coworker, while helping the family.

The important thing to remember is grief is natural and unique. Acknowledge that you are grieving and allow yourself to express emotions. Seek support from coworkers and loved ones, and if you find that you need professional assistance, do not hesitate to contact your Employee Assistance Program, or a local mental health counselor.

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/grieving-a-coworker/feed/ 0 End the Cycle of Abuse https://lakelandcounselors.com/end-the-cycle-of-abuse/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/end-the-cycle-of-abuse/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:42:56 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=379

Anyone can become a victim of domestic violence. There should be no shame felt by the victim or negative views toward a victim of abuse. PERIOD. Abusers can be highly manipulative, strategic, and can break a person down a little at a time. The root of abuse is having power and control over the partner. The abuser will use intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, blaming, denying, minimizing, they will use the children, economic abuse, and coercion, and threats. Recognize it. Be aware of it. Identify your own abusive relationship. Identify abuse in others’ relationships. Stop the Cycle.

THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

Explosion: The abuser may yell, humiliate, threaten, intimidate, or physically harm their partner. This is truly a scary and humiliating time for the victim.

Honeymoon: The abuser apologizes, saying they will never do it again. They may also act like nothing happened or blame their partner. The abuser may buy gifts or try to demonstrate their remorse in many forms. This phase can be confusing to the victim because they know the explosion was not okay, but maybe the abuser will change, right? WRONG.

Tension building: The abuser is easily irritated and shows signs of anger. They may become more demanding and pick arguments. The partner may feel the need to pacify the abuser and is on edge around the abuser.

The cycle continues…

Abusers use fear of keeping the children against their partner if they leave; guilt that the abuser cannot survive without them; shame that no one else will want them; and intimidation that they will use something against their partner to keep them from leaving. The abuser may also threaten to hurt their partner, the children, or others if they leave.

The best intervention is prevention. People need to recognize the warning signs and walk away then. The first time a partner makes you feel bad about yourself, forces you to do something you don’t want to do, or harms you in any way, LEAVE. If you stay, it becomes much harder to leave. When you have children with the abuser, it becomes even more difficult to leave. If you are in an abusive relationship, reach out to someone. A therapist, law enforcement, family, a friend anyone who can be the strength that you may have lost in the destructive relationship.

Do not judge your abusive relationship with other abusive relationships. If your partner makes you feel afraid, puts you down, makes you feel worthless, isolates you, keeps you financially dependent on them, physically or sexually hurts you, and/or threatens you then you are not in a healthy relationship. You should feel respected, safe, and cared for by your partner.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end. –Christine Mason Miller

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/end-the-cycle-of-abuse/feed/ 0 Those Red Flags Can Help You Avoid Unhealthy Relationships, So Listen. https://lakelandcounselors.com/those-red-flags-can-help-you-avoid-unhealthy-relationships-so-listen/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/those-red-flags-can-help-you-avoid-unhealthy-relationships-so-listen/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:38:25 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=375

I wise person once told me, “people tell you who they are you just have to listen.” At the time, I didn’t recognize how true this statement is, and how heeding these words could have saved me a lot of wasted time and heartache. Now keep in mind that it is unlikely someone is going to shake your hand with an introduction that spills all their worst attributes. No, they will be subtle and their words (or excuses) will be convincing. However, most of the time their words will not align with their actions. Actions, people! You will only know the authentic person through their actions.

Another part of not listening when people tell you who they are is ignoring red flags. I am sure most of us can relate to missing red flags and kicking ourselves for it later. Typically, when we look back we can recognize that we had an uneasy feeling, our “gut” was nagging us, or we picked up on out-of-character behaviors when someone was being less than honest. Maybe you didn’t want to be wrong or wanted to keep the peace so you pushed those feelings or thoughts (intuition) aside. We also ignore red flags because we doubt our intuition. We wrongly think our intuition is caused by overthinking or jaded perceptions due to someone doing us wrong in the past. Sometimes we ignore red flags because we want to do what we are doing. Maybe that new male friend without a job or car gave you butterflies, so instead of asking why he doesn’t have a job or car at age 32, you agree to go out with him. You find out later he has two children he doesn’t support and quit his job so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. Yes, this happens. So, avoid it by being more inquisitive and setting higher standards for yourself.

On a more extreme note, listening to how your body responds can help you avoid dangerous situations that can alter your life, or the lives of others. When my daughter was younger she wanted to go over to her dad’s house. I was at work and could not take her until later in the day. Her uncle volunteered to pick her up and take her, but an uneasy feeling came over me and I had a gnawing feeling in my stomach. Her uncle was a typical guy with no glaring problems. He did not give off child predator “vibes.” So, why did my body react like it did? I will never truly know because I did not let her go with him. Several years later that man sexually assaulted my daughter’s little sister. We were all in disbelief, but my mind went back to that day and that response.

So, now that we know people tell us who they are (good and not so good) we need to practice listening to the subtle cues and the inconsistencies. We need to learn to recognize our body’s responses to dangerous situations and to people who are trying to deceive us. We do this first by not ignoring that feeling that something just isn’t right. If you are feeling like that, there is a reason. Next, avoid trying to justify that person’s behaviors. No, that person you are having doubts about does have 30 seconds to send you a quick text in a 24-hour time period. They are not too busy. Your “gut” is a powerful built-in tool, so listen to it.

Create a set of standards that you expect out of others, especially if you have a pattern of ignoring or justifying red flags. We get hurt more than we need to because we get stuck on an idea that a person is a certain way based on inaccurate perceptions instead of reality.

Ignoring the signs is a good way to end up in the wrong destination. –Author Unknown

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/those-red-flags-can-help-you-avoid-unhealthy-relationships-so-listen/feed/ 0 7 Ways to Improve Difficult Relationships https://lakelandcounselors.com/7-ways-to-improve-difficult-relationships/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/7-ways-to-improve-difficult-relationships/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:35:05 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=372

Do you ever find it difficult to get along with someone? Most people can say they have struggled to get along with at least one person. Tense relationships can be anxiety-provoking. To avoid the stress of challenging relationships, consider integrating the following tips into your personal and professional interactions. These seven tips can improve your relationship with others. They are simple, yet powerful.

Listen to understand. Stop trying to figure out what you are going to say in response to the person talking to you. Instead, take in the words and emotions of the person talking. This practice will help you to better understand the person talking, which promotes empathy.
Get outside of yourself by contemplating the other person’s viewpoint. This does not mean they are right, but you have reflected on all angles of the situation. Sometimes people simply want you to consider their point of view.
Remember your manners. Sometimes when trying to make your point, you may lose your respectful demeanor. Stop yourself here, because being rude is certainly not going to change the other person’s mind.
Encourage others. How do you feel when someone says something nice about you? It feels good, right? It may even change your mood. Take time out to be thoughtful. We become so consumed with our own lives that we often neglect to compliment others.
Avoid useless topics. Why bring up subjects that are going to cause problems? Controversial issues can be discussed in some settings; however, if they are not essential to the current relationship or setting (e.g. politics at work) then you’re just setting up the potential for conflict.
Practice positivity. Avoid negative talk. Smile often. Be appreciative and show gratitude. Negativity breeds negativity, so break that cycle.
Stop trying to change others. Embrace individuality. We all have unique views and attributes. Consider how uniqueness can improve the situation.

Your ability to get along well with others will determine your happiness and success as much as any other factor. –Brian Tracy

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/7-ways-to-improve-difficult-relationships/feed/ 0 Back to the Basics on How to Respectfully Disagree https://lakelandcounselors.com/back-to-the-basics-on-how-to-respectfully-disagree/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/back-to-the-basics-on-how-to-respectfully-disagree/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:14:16 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=368

Has anyone here lost a friend because they have different views than you? If so, does that mean you (or they) only keep friends who share similar views? How do you know who has the right or wrong viewpoint? Are you who pushed the friendship away, or did they? Was it a strong friendship, one with a coworker, or more of an acquaintance-type relationship? I ask because the strength of a friendship may determine whether or not it ends over opposing viewpoints. If the friendship is strong, the opinion of a friend makes up only a small part of the relationship. So why is it so easy to let go of friends who do not see things the same way? I am seeing people lose friendships at alarming rates. Is it really worth it? A lot may depend on the level of disruption this causes in your life and if previously strategies have failed to help the relationship.

I think so many of us need to go back to the basics that were taught in elementary school. You know, the lesson on how to disagree with others in a respectful way. It’s actually pretty easy, if we try.

Stop making it personal. I always told my children, be upset with the behavior, not the person.
Avoid putting down other people’s idea/beliefs. That’s simply not nice.
Use “I” statements when talking about your thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Listen to what the other person is saying.
Pay attention to your nonverbal communication. If your nonverbal cues do not match with what you are saying then you are sending confusing mixed messages.
Keep calm. Anger and yelling is not going to move the conversation along.
Treat others how you want to be treated.

Think of these basic practices to show respect when you disagree with someone. It may just save a friendship.

We don’t have to agree about everything to be friends. We do have to treat each other with respect. –author unknown

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/back-to-the-basics-on-how-to-respectfully-disagree/feed/ 0 Improve Quality of Life by Building Quality Relationships https://lakelandcounselors.com/improve-quality-of-life-by-building-quality-relationships/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/improve-quality-of-life-by-building-quality-relationships/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:08:34 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=365

While we are on the topic of relationships, what does a healthy relationship look like to you? Comment your thoughts below. Now, what does an unhealthy relationship look like? Again, comment below on what an unhealthy relationship looks like to you.

For the most part, a healthy relationship brings value to the relationship The relationship is generally positive and respectful. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, good communication, and allows individuality. Unhealthy relationships bring down the people in it. The relationship may be one-sided or lack respect for one’s individuality. There may be pressure to change things you don’t really want to change. Relationships that mostly entail arguing or manipulation is likely not healthy.

Humans are social beings. Quality relationships are important for mental wellbeing. Yes, there will be disagreements from time to time, but conflict should not occur more often than not. Relationships should bring meaning to our lives. If you are questioning a relationship, try asking yourself the following questions:

What value the relationship brings to your life
Does the person lift you up or put you down
Does the person try to control you or get you to change
Does the person encourage you to engage in things you like
Is there good balance between time spent together and time spend apart.

If you discover that you are in an unhealthy relationship, make changes. Toxic relationships can bring you down physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

The only way to have a friend is to be one. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/improve-quality-of-life-by-building-quality-relationships/feed/ 0