Self Esteem – Lakeland Counselors

https://lakelandcounselors.com Thu, 04 Feb 2021 23:06:42 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.9.13 https://lakelandcounselors.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/cropped-Logo-32x32.png Self Esteem – Lakeland Counselors https://lakelandcounselors.com 32 32 Is Your Perception Holding You Back? https://lakelandcounselors.com/is-your-perception-holding-you-back/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/is-your-perception-holding-you-back/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 17:18:34 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=343

It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.–Henry David Thoreau

Looking at the attached Kanizsa triangle (Carbon, 2014), we see a white triangle in the forefront, a partially covered triangle in the background, and three partially covered circles. The figure is so convincing we feel we can grasp the entire formation. We are actually perceiving edges that do not exist. People often think what they perceive is a true reflection of what the brain processes; however, the brain is complex and can play tricks on us.

In therapy, cognitive distortions need to be addressed before progress can be made. Cognitive distortions are unreasonable thoughts or beliefs that alter your perception of reality. When a belief is unchallenged for long enough, it becomes an automatic thought. Here is where your perception becomes your reality. You think these thoughts are “normal” and see no reason to question them. Many people, who have anxiety or depression, can identify at least one cognitive distortion within themselves. These irrational beliefs distort perception and hinder recovery.

Learned helplessness is an example of an irrational belief that has become reality for some. You may believe you are powerless to make changes and without addressing the cognitive distortions, you may continue to engage in unhealthy behaviors. Another common irrational belief is when you jump to conclusions, without having any facts to back the claim. You may believe others think you are a burden, even though no one has given you a reason to believe this.

There are many therapy methods that can help you change your negative thinking patterns. One effective therapy is Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), which helps you acknowledge that your thinking influences your behaviors and emotions. Using this approach, you will first need to identify your irrational beliefs and then challenge them. Next, you will look for a more reasonable alternative to your belief. You may also use affirmations, which can be positive thoughts that replace flawed thinking. Finally, being mindful of your thinking patterns, will help you to change your responses and react in a healthier way.

Don’t get stuck in negative or irrational thinking, you CAN control your thoughts.

Carbon, C. (2014). Understanding human perception by human-made illusions. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 8: 566. Retrieved from http://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2014.00566

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/is-your-perception-holding-you-back/feed/ 0 I have low energy, “Blahs” https://lakelandcounselors.com/i-have-low-energy-blahs/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/i-have-low-energy-blahs/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 17:15:01 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=341

Today we’re all just overwhelmed with the demands of modern life. Working 40 hours a week to get by just doesn’t cut it for most of my clients. We busy raising kids, dealing with traffic and taking care of aging parents. When do we have time to take care of ourselves? We don’t. Most of us are instinctive people pleasers, and we’re prone to having low energy.

I’m not talking about the kind of low-energy that goes away after a restful nights sleep, but the kind that lingers and stays and doesn’t seem to lift.

If you talk to a doctor they’ll tell you that its normal and not to worthy, but you know better, because you know you don’t feel right. Maybe you don’t have a disease, but you just know you don’t feel right, you don’t feel happy and maybe haven’t in a while. Unfortunately, those of us who’ve experienced low energy had it triggered by a very stressful event, an illness or a stretch of insomnia. In other cases the cause appear mysterious.

Symptoms of low energy worsen over time. Women who are excellent at multitasking, often ignore their fatigue until it develops into depression, binge-eating or weight gain. Some of us are good at ignoring our bodies until we just feel bone tired each and every day.

Let me be a little straight with you, you may not realize it yet, and those of you who already do are nodding your heads in agreement with me, but once this starts to happen it leads to a downward spiral. This leads to a compromised immune system, which increases our risk for disease, but it also effects are relationships, because we’re cranky, and critical or just withdrawn from people close to us. We feel out of gas in life.

Getting to this kind of place isn’t something you decided you wanted, its really a perfect storm that cast a dark cloud on all of those under it. Where I see it leave so many beginning clients start out feeling unfilled, with discontent, and unfortunately angry with themselves when they shouldn’t be. If you’re reading this far please know you’re normal and not crazy. I’m not judging you, so please don’t judge yourself either. Life happens! It gets better, I’ve been to the promise land, I’ve taken others there and I know how to take you there too!

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/i-have-low-energy-blahs/feed/ 0 7 Ways to Get More Out of Talk Therapy https://lakelandcounselors.com/7-ways-to-get-more-out-of-talk-therapy/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/7-ways-to-get-more-out-of-talk-therapy/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 17:12:40 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=338

Have you started therapy and feel awkward when trying to talk to your therapist? Do you draw a blank in the middle of a therapy session? Do you hold back because you feel uncomfortable talking to someone about personal problems? Have your fears kept you from seeking therapy? Rest assured, these are common obstacles clients face. Use these tips to get more out of your therapy session.

Write down questions, concerns, and topics you want to cover. It can be easy to get off track or forget questions you want to ask. By preparing yourself with notes, you will have something to refer to when the silence becomes awkward.

Remember your therapist is human. Clients may place the therapist in a category that is not realistic. When a client believes the therapist does not make mistakes or has all the answers, the client may feel intimidated and avoid disclosing important details.

Have your own prompts prepared. What are your goals of therapy? Where do you want to be in a year? Prepare your own prompts for your next therapy visit. You can also ask about helpful books or homework activities the therapist can recommend.

Ask yourself why you are holding back. You know you are not sharing certain pieces of you with the therapist, but why? Are you afraid your information will not be protected? Do you think you will be judged? Are you afraid you will be viewed as complaining? Really think about why you are holding back. It is certainly your right to disclose only what you feel comfortable with, just make sure you are assessing the reasons why.

Stay silent. Sometimes therapy can evoke deep emotions. It’s okay to experience the emotions. Silence is appropriate in some situations.

Are you being authentic? You may have several layers that have yet to be uncovered and one of your defense mechanisms is to be the person others want you to be. When you are trying so hard to be someone you are not, it may be difficult to answer questions in therapy that reveal the authentic you. Take note when this happens. You may not be ready at the time, but when you are, confront this defense with your therapists’ help.

Give yourself a minute. Certain parts of therapy may cause frustration or a number of thoughts running through your mind. This can be especially troublesome if you have anxiety. It’s okay to take a minute to gather your thoughts and relax.

Silence is a source of great strength–Lao Tzu

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/7-ways-to-get-more-out-of-talk-therapy/feed/ 0 Take Control of Your Time https://lakelandcounselors.com/take-control-of-your-time/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/take-control-of-your-time/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 17:09:54 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=335

Classes have started back for many, making it a great time to talk about procrastination. Procrastination can cause unnecessary anxiety, so let’s discuss ways to stop the cycle.

First things first, do you really want to change this behavior? Think about what you get out of procrastinating (positive and negative). What happens if you don’t change? Are you okay with that? What will life look like without procrastination? Is that something you want?

Stop making excuses. Yes, that’s easy for me to say, but seriously think about what excuses you have made for procrastinating. My main excuse is that I work better under pressure. While this is true, I have put it to the test and actually completed assignments early and the outcome was the same (I did well)!

Write out a list of what needs to be done. Seeing the tasks on paper can be helpful for prioritizing. I like to write down an approximate time each task will take and then write a number beside the task to indicate what order the tasks should be completed. Buying a calendar with large boxes to write in is also helpful for “to-do” lists. Marking out completed tasks is a great feeling.

Break it up. If you have a task that is going to take a lot of time, space out portions of the task. For example, if you have a big assignment, break it up into sections. Complete each section a little at a time.

Set your timer. Commit to working on a task for one-hour of uninterrupted time (this includes not checking your phone/social media). After an hour, you may feel like continuing your work.

Complete tasks at your most productive time of day. For me, I am more productive after dark. If I try to work on tasks in the early morning, I will not finish my work.

Do something nice for yourself IF you stay on track. We all like to be rewarded, so why not acknowledge your efforts? Write down a list of restaurants you would like to try, places you want to go, or anything that you look forward to. Start with something small and move up to something big once you have mastered time management.

Monitor your progress. Start with a commitment to not procrastinate for one week. At the end of the week, look back and evaluate how well you did and where you can improve. Move into the second week using your strengths and strategies to improve.

I hope these strategies will help you to become more productive (and less stressed). Once you break the procrastination cycle, you will have a sense of control that you may have been missing before.

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got.” – Tony Robbins

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/take-control-of-your-time/feed/ 0 What did you do Today to Improve Yourself? https://lakelandcounselors.com/what-did-you-do-today-to-improve-yourself/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/what-did-you-do-today-to-improve-yourself/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 17:04:24 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=332

What did I do today to improve myself?

This is a question I try to ask myself each day. Some days I am proud of my response, while other days I realize I could have done more. Self-improvement has different meanings to different people. For some, self-improvement may mean big successes on the job, while others may want to improve how they respond to their spouse. Whatever your self-improvement is, make sure you strive to take some kind of action, big or small, toward improving yourself each day.

This poem is one of my favorites for motivation and believing in yourself.

The Man Who Thinks He Can

By Walter D. Wintle

If you think you are beaten, you are;

If you think that you dare not, you don’t.

If you’d like to win, but you think you can’t,

It’s almost certain that you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost;

For out in the world you’ll find

Success begins with a fellow’s will;

It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think that you are out-classed, you are;

You’ve got to think high to rise.

You’ve got to be sure of yourself before

You can ever win a prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go

To the stronger or faster man;

But sooner or later, the man who wins

Is the man who thinks he can!

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/what-did-you-do-today-to-improve-yourself/feed/ 0 Change Plan Change Life https://lakelandcounselors.com/change-plan-change-life/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/change-plan-change-life/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 17:00:53 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=329

We’ve talked about making changes to lead a healthier and more fulfilling life. This started with identifying a change that you have wanted to make or now realize you need to make. Maybe others are asking you to make a change, such as quitting smoking. We then reviewed the stages of change so you could determine where you are in the change process. This next activity will focus on those who are at least considering doing something to make a change.

Start with asking yourself why you want to make the change. Do you want to change or is someone else urging you to make a change?

Next, you will determine what you want to be different in your life (outcomes).

Now that you know the purpose of the change, what change you will make, and what you want to look different in your life, we can talk about how to implement the change. First, ask yourself what needs to change in the way you think and feel? In how you behave? What changes in your environment do you need to make to ensure you are successful? It is also important to determine how you will track your progress.

We will make a quick run through these steps before you start working on this phase of the change process. Review the following example.

The example change I will use is exercising more.

Why am I wanting to do this? I feel better when I exercise and I want to be healthier.

What will be different when making this change (outcome)? I will go to the gym at least 3 times a week for 1.5 hours and attend a Zumba class each week. I will feel less fatigued.

How am I going to implement this change?

What needs to change in thinking and feeling? I need to have a more positive view about exercising. I also need to find out why I have been inconsistent when attempting to exercise more in the past.

What needs to change in how I behave? I need to open specific time slots each week to make sure I go to the gym. I need to make a commitment to go to the gym 3 times a week and attend a Zumba class each week. I need to download MyFitnessPal to track my exercise.

What changes do I need to make to my environment to be successful at making this change? I need to have my errands and tasks done so I do not use that as an excuse to not go to the gym. I need to look at the Zumba class schedule at the YMCA. I need to plan out my week and write it down on a calendar to better plan my activities. I will log into the MyFitnessPal app to share my progress with others. The MyFitnessPal will also be helpful in keeping track of my progress.

A few additional tips:

Take this day by day.
Celebrate small victories, such as exercising three days in a row.
Figure out how you will reward yourself
Avoid being too hard on yourself if you mess up.
Have a plan for the barriers that may keep you from reaching your goal. For example, if your goal is to go to the gym 3 days a week, but it storms all week, have a routine you can do at home already prepared.

Ready, set, go…

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/change-plan-change-life/feed/ 0 10 Tips to Creating Your Vision Board https://lakelandcounselors.com/10-tips-to-creating-your-vision-board/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/10-tips-to-creating-your-vision-board/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 16:57:43 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=326

A vision board is a valuable visualization tool that serves as an image of your future. It is a tangible representation of your dreams, goals, and your ideal life. People of all ages engage in vision boarding; in fact, people go to workshops, or host gatherings, to create vision boards. The objective of vision boarding is to build a visual aid to help with creating an emotional feeling behind your goals. The brain responds strongly to visual stimulation, so representing your goals and dreams with pictures will strengthen and stimulate your emotions. These emotions cause an energy that activates the law of attraction. So, what you focus on, you attract! The process can elicit deep meaning and self-understanding, as well as introduce positive affirmations. Here are some tips to get you started on creating your own vision board.

1) Make time: You want to have time to reflect on what your goals are in life.

2) Your vision board should display what goals you want to meet, which includes your goals related to how you want to feel. For example, maybe a happy feeling for you is when you are outside under a bright sun or at the start of fall. What gives you energy and motivation?

3) Think outside the box. It is easy to find cutouts or words to describe your goals, so think deeper. What are some inspirational quotes that have helped you in challenging times? Is there advice your therapist has given or valuable words from a loved one that you have held on to in trying times?

4) Add personal photos or keepsakes that remind you of what is important in life. Maybe you enjoy annual family vacations, so a picture of a previous family vacation would depict that you want to continue having family vacations each year.

5) Create categories for your vision board to help you cover different areas: relationships, personal growth, mental health, physical health, spiritual health, career, finances, home, and social life.

6) Make sure to add a picture of yourself. Make sure this picture was taken during a happy time.

7) What items you will need: large poster board, scissors, tape/glue stick, markers, stickers, magazines, anything creative, and TIME!

8) When creating your vision board remember it is yours. There are no limits or rules!

9) Revisit your vision board as needed, but at least each year.

10) Keep your vision board in a place that you see daily, so you are reminded of your goals, dreams, and positivity that you want to attract in your life.

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/10-tips-to-creating-your-vision-board/feed/ 0 5 Traits of High Emotional Intelligence https://lakelandcounselors.com/5-traits-of-high-emotional-intelligence/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/5-traits-of-high-emotional-intelligence/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 16:54:58 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=323

Emotional intelligence is the ability to reason and analyze emotions, as well as utilize emotions and emotional knowledge to enhance thought and action. There are four branches of emotional intelligence. Perceiving emotions is being able to correctly identify a persons’ emotions, through facial expressions and body language. Reasoning with emotions causes you to ask if you need to react to a persons’ emotions. Understanding emotions is your ability to analyze emotions. Managing emotions is your ability to control your emotions, and respond appropriately to others.

Daniel Goleman, along with Peter Salovey and John Mayer, have led the research in emotional intelligence and identifies its five features 1) self-awareness, 2) self-regulation, 3) empathy, 4) motivation, and 5) social skill.

Self-awareness is your ability to recognize your emotions, and your strengths and limitations. To improve in this area, you can keep a log of disruptive emotions, detailing the trigger and your response.
Self-regulation is your ability to manage your emotions and your impulses. To improve in this area you can practice breathing techniques.
Empathy is your ability to identify and understand the emotions of others. To enhance your level of empathy, try imagining yourself in someone else’s position.
Motivation is your level of desire to achieve goals. To improve in this area you can reassess your goals and set new ones.
Social skills is involves managing relationships in a healthy way. To improve in this area you can develop your communication skills.

Signs that you have high emotional intelligence:

You express your feelings clearly and directly.
You easily provide the answer to “I feel like…”
You are primarily positive.
You are independent, self-reliant, and morally autonomous.
You are motivated by the greater good of self and others.
You are resilient.
You show interest in other people’s feelings.

Signs that you could improve your emotional intelligence:

You avoid taking responsibility for your feelings.
You struggle to put together a three-word sentence starting with “I feel…”
You have difficulty explaining why you feel the way you do.
You attack, blame, command, criticize, interrupt, lecture, and judge yourself and others.
You try to make others feel guilty.
You lack integrity.
You hold grudges.
You’re insensitive to the feelings of others.

People with high emotional intelligence are likely to experience closer relationships, have better problem solving abilities, report higher well-being and life satisfaction, and demonstrate better work performance and higher academic achievement. People with lower emotional intelligence are more likely to experience psychological distress.

Emotional intelligence impacts relationships, mental health, leadership, parenting, getting along with others on the job, problem solving, coping with stress, and academics. It is important to assess your own emotional intelligence and implement strategies to improve. Take a quiz to see how well you read other people’s emotions, and take a quiz to assess your own emotional intelligence.

In a very real sense we have two minds, one that thinks and one that feels

–Daniel Goleman

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/5-traits-of-high-emotional-intelligence/feed/ 0 Are you Codependent? https://lakelandcounselors.com/are-you-codependent/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/are-you-codependent/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 16:51:49 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=320

Codependency often exists in families of addicts and those who have persistent untreated mental illness. Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship, where one person enables unhealthy behaviors, while the other relies on that person to meet their needs. Being in a codependent relationship is exhausting and one-sided. Below are five of the common signs of codependency.

1) Dependent- Do you rely on others to make you happy and give you worth? Do you fear being alone? Will you accept behaviors, that you know are not okay, to avoid being alone?

2) People-pleaser- Is it difficult for you to say “no?” Do you sacrifice your own activities, free-time, or money to please someone else? Are you resentful that you can’t say “no?”

3) Boundaries-Has anyone emphasized the need for you to create boundaries with certain people in your life? Do you feel responsible for other people? Do you allow people to do things to you that you would never do to someone else?

4) Caretaking-Do you feel compelled to help others or anticipate other people’s needs? Do you feel guilt when other people have a problem, or feel responsible for their well-being?

5) Poor communicator- Do you have a problem with saying what you mean? Do you feel anxious when you think you must confront someone? Have you made a lot of empty threats?

If you can relate to these signs of codependency, it is important for you to learn more about codependency and find support. Codependent behaviors are learned behaviors, used to protect and meet needs. When the need for these behaviors are no longer warranted they can bring disruption and self-destruction. Thankfully, you can learn new behaviors that will bring you a better quality of life. Let’s look at a scenario involving a wife, Mona, whose husband, Mike, is abusing methamphetamines.

Mike has not made it home from work. It is payday and Mike knows that the car payment is due today. Mona has threatened to leave Mike if he does not stop using drugs. Mike’s response was to physically and verbally assault Mona. Mona packed her bags to leave that night, but by the next morning she felt guilty and knew that Mike wouldn’t make it without her. Instead of leaving, she stayed and told him if it happened again she was leaving him. Now, tonight, she is questioning where he is and becoming more and more frustrated. Mike finally strolls in around 1am and tells Mona the company van broke down. He also told her he didn’t get paid. She doesn’t believe him, but wants to avoid confrontation. She says she will just use the money she has been saving for a new couch to pay the car payment. She is angry inside, but decides it is easier to just let it go.

Mona is not doing Mike any favors by allowing him to use the bill money on drugs. She is enabling him to continue his drug use. Resentment will continue to grow in Mona, while Mike’s drug use will continue to spiral out of control. Therapy and support groups can help Mona and Mike. The drug use is a primary concern to be addressed. If Mike does not stop using it is going to be difficult to learn and practice healthy behaviors. Mona must identify her codependent behaviors and begin addressing each element. The best way to achieve this is to seek individual therapy. In therapy, you will learn the importance of setting boundaries and valuing yourself, and how to replace codependent thinking with healthy, independent thinking.

Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent no more. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing

]]> https://lakelandcounselors.com/are-you-codependent/feed/ 0 Taking Care of You! https://lakelandcounselors.com/taking-care-of-you/ https://lakelandcounselors.com/taking-care-of-you/#respond Thu, 24 Dec 2020 16:48:54 +0000 http://borumllc.com/?p=317

Take good care of YOU today.

Do you spend a good portion of your day looking out for others? Sometimes it can be easy to forget to take care of the most important person in your life: YOU!
We’re here to help you take care of life’s little things. So you can focus on your own well-being. Looking for tools to improve your communication style or self- esteem? How about managing stress?
Did you know that 83 percent of people report that stress has a strong or very strong impact on their health?¹ It’s more important than ever to focus on your well-being.
Stress can also affect your attitude, relationships and even your job. Next time you’re feeling stressed out, try doing things a little different. Make self-care a priority. Over time, this will help you to feel refreshed and renewed. In fact, it may help you complete the things you must do in less time and with less stress. Consider scheduling time for:

Exercise. It not only keeps you healthy, it will give you energy. Can’t find the time? Try getting up 30 minutes earlier and going for a walk or doing gentle stretches.
• Healthy meals. Have you been skipping lunch? Take some time instead to enjoy a light, healthy lunch. Adding protein can provide you with the energy and nutrients needed to get you through the day. Drink plenty of water to help with hydration – this can decrease the feeling of tiredness.
• Indulging yourself. Treat yourself to a massage or facial, take a relaxing bath, or spend a few hours reading a book that has been on your “must read” list.
• Relaxation. Consider meditation, visual imagery or gentle yoga postures for 20 minutes each day. Each of these helps you to feel more grounded as well as takes the edge off stressful feelings.
¹American Psychological Association “Stress in America 2011 Study”

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