As I retreated to my seemingly soundproof closet, taking a moment to calm my racing heart and ringing ears, I briefly questioned my inner self asking, “Why do you have to be this way?” I knew that I wouldn’t get a response and I knew this wouldn’t be the last time I retreated to my quiet place. I have always had to have moments of retreat. I can sit for hours in the quiet darkness. It has been my sanctuary.
Anxiety has been my shadow for as long as I can remember. I was always so anxious that my nervous energies escaped through my fingers leading me to pick my gums and scalp. The holes in my gums were so deep that I could easily fit the entire tip of my finger inside it. Same with my scalp. I can’t pinpoint when or why I stopped, but I did.
The anxiety I experienced as a child is different than the anxiety I experienced in my 20s. In my 20s, I would have days where I was certain that something bad was going to happen. I worried excessively about what others said and thought. I had so many fears and worries that I easily became irritable. I was never comfortable when talking to anyone: family, my best friend, coworkers. I was emotional and lacked self-confidence. I ruminated a lot. Somewhere along the way, I stopped worrying so much. I feared less. I ruminated less. I cried less. My self-confidence improved. But wait for it…
The anxiety I experienced in my 20s is nothing like the anxiety I experience today. I haven’t left my house in over a week. I haven’t had my hair cut in nearly two years. I have talked myself out of going to family gatherings, out with the girls, on vacations, starting a new job, and the list goes on. I haven’t talked on the phone in months. I haven’t seen a doctor in nearly two years. I am perfectly content with staying at home in my pjs. I am not in distress, but I am aware that I can only say no to friends and family so many times before they give up on me. I have a much lower tolerance to sound than I ever have. If more than one person talks at once, I get flustered, my face turns red, and my ears start to ring. I didn’t realize that anxiety could jump years and come back in a new disguise. I do know that I don’t want it. Maybe this is because I have never sought out treatment, so it seems like it disappears just to come back and manifest in new ways.
Apparently, anxiety levels peak between the ages of 40 and 60. In the past, it was believed that anxiety decreases with age, it doesn’t. And to make things worse, people between the ages of 45 and 54 report low ratings of life satisfaction and happiness (although this improves after 60). Well, this is my age range now. My best option is to prepare myself with coping skills and techniques such as slow breathing and mindfulness. Other techniques shown to help reduce anxiety is to recognize that anxiety is not reality; shift focus from distressing things; and be okay with experiencing some discomfort. Another helpful tip for those who have withdrawn socially, make a list of people you want to visit and things you need to take care of and start scheduling! Don’t overdo it, just a little at a time.
Smile, breathe, and go slowly. —Thich Nhat Hanh
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